Heaven Sounds a Lot Like South Africa

I can't be trusted to make good purchasing decisions when I'm out with baby and MIL, not even if my own mother is in tow helping out. That's why when I took MIL and baby to the farmers market today, sans my mom, I decided ahead of time not to buy a thing. It's not that any one of us wants to buy things very badly, it's just that with two people needing my attention, I can't think clearly and end up buying the whole of a market stall or grocery isle, and then wondering when I get home how I'm going to cook 17 rutabagas and a jar of local honey.

FIL left for a meeting this morning, which means that MIL followed me around too closely, bless her, while I wrangled a 12 month old into his high chair and cooked and fed him breakfast. She and I have always had a good rapport, even when I was 16 and pining after her son, so now at 33 when she follows me, I know she's just seeking a connection with another woman, a mom...friendship. I remind myself of this fact about 300 times while she is trying to help me feed baby breakfast by picking up and feeding him dog hair encrusted bits of food that he has flung to the floor once already. I want to accept her help. I really do. And I am so tired.

This morning she touched on two major false memories that have been persistent over the last couple of weeks, if not longer. As we got dressed and ready to go, she mused over yesterday's trip she took with FIL and baby to the mall. "I hope our going to JC Penny helped convince them to keep it in Waco a while longer, and not move the whole store to Austin." She has this idea that there is a plot or campaign to make our town look like it is a bustling metropolis. This will be accomplished by making certain people go to certain places in town to be counted, thereby proving that these stores and attractions are worthy of staying in town, and not moving to the more populated Austin.

Each day she comes home from some outing or another exclaiming that she's saved more stores from being packed up and shipped off. A harmless enough delusion on good days. But on bad days I know she gives FIL hell about it. On bad days she will say that she doesn't "like this game." She doesn't want to do it, doesn't care if anything stays in Waco, and she's tired of being made to go to the zoo when its closed and the animals are all gone.

In the car on the way to the farmers market, MIL talked at length about how she and FIL are going on a trip soon. This is a common delusion these days, the story of which varies from day to day. It is consistently to a place where they will be healed of most of their ailments, all they have to do is write out a list of what's wrong with them, and these amazing doctors at this place will heal them right up. A few weeks ago when I asked her where this place is, she answered, "oh you know, up near Canada, but then you have to go down to South Africa." At times this place sounds like heaven, which would make sense because for her South Africa would be heaven's capital.

Today though, this place started to seem more like hell. She was upset that the doctors there would be giving her all kinds of sedatives to test if she really has Alzheimer's disease (a percentage of people with Alzheimer's can't be given any sedatives because they bring on hallucinations, and she is one of these type - that part is true). She was really sad because they were also going to feed her melons, to which she is allergic (truly). My attempts at distracting her by talking about scenery didn't help, and my naming of her feelings, "that sounds like you're feeling really anxious," didn't help either. In fact, by the time we were 5 minutes away from the market she was so physically upset that she said her toes were tingling.

I offered to take her home, and honestly at that point, I would have gladly turned around because when she's having a weird day or moment, I get nervous about how she will act around other people. She was so brave though, telling me that it would be better to just go for a walk than give in and go back home. So we walked the market. And she was pretty weird. And she complained the whole time about one thing or another. I have to believe that it's worth it though, even though she seemed to have a terrible time, I didn't buy a thing and my stomach was in knots for most of the experience.

We're home now, and baby is napping. I'm in my PJ's so it's time to read a bit before I have to be back on.  

More Clothes Than Good Sense

Took MIL out for awhile this afternoon. Just to Hobby Lobby and the park for the toddler's benefit. While in the car MIL was complaining about having too many clothes. She said she had more clothes than good sense. Immediately, she cracked a smile and said: "well, I guess that's not that many these days."

See what I mean about an intact wit? Sometimes she's so funny, for days in fact she'll be able to catch things like that. Then, all of a sudden she takes a turn for the worse and gets really paranoid, angry and confused. There's no predictability with the ups and downs of Alzheimer's, and it isn't a ride you can exit at will. 

I think that's one of the hardest things. The not knowing each morning what you'll wake up to. 

Last Tuesday when I woke and made my way to the coffee pot she was crying in the living room. Holding a cold compress round her neck. She swore she had a brain bleed, that she had had a stroke, that the eye doctor told her if she ever heard a pop and saw red to rush to the E.R., that if the doctor wasn't in she was to see the night watchman who will know just who to call. This type of self-affirming false memory is what makes this disease so darn hard to deal with. She was in a panic. There was nothing for us to do but take her to the doctor. My FIL did just that, after we both rearranged our schedules for the day. After the appointment was made, MIL was just short of jolly. It was such a strange, abrupt turn around. It's hard to remind myself that she doesn't do these things on purpose. 

The doctor confirmed to her that the  phenomenon she experienced was due to the Alzheimer's disease, and not a stroke. She, thankfully, believed him. And she's been upbeat and cheerful since then - at least with me. 

More clothes than good sense...

No Time Like the Present

Alzheimer's disease sucks. In fact, all types of dementia suck.

I've been thinking for awhile about reviving the blog. Something about the self-centered nature of blogging, and the line you can ride between angst and reality is calling me back. Also, my mother-in-law has Alzheimer's disease, and we live with her (and my father-in-law). One of her most prominent symptoms is false memories, or delusions, which for her are totally plausible and real. I find myself wanting to record these stories, snippets. If I weren't "in it" they would be so interesting. I want to revisit them later maybe, when it doesn't feel like I'm drowning. 

This is a different situation that other dementia patients I have been around. Namely, my maternal grandmother, who had mini-strokes, and my maternal grandfather who had dementia toward the end of his long life. My MIL (mother in law) was so young when she was diagnosed - only 62. 

It was March or April of 2014, and she and I had just returned from a trip to South Africa (her home) where we rendezvoused with her sister. What a trip! At the time, we didn't know it was Alzheimer's. "Mild Cognitive Impairment" is what the doctor was calling it. It didn't seem mild to me, her travel companion, who had herded her across oceans for days to get her back to the beaches of Umhlanga and Durban. She got lost on the plane on the way over. After traveling for literally a day, I fell asleep for about 30 minutes, and just like that, she was gone. When I woke up, I looked around for her, feeling a bit frantic, but telling myself that she was probably in the bathroom. I timed 15 minutes, long enough for her to have gone in, and come back out of the "loo." When she didn't return, I reluctantly rose to speak to the flight crew. After explaining to them my situation, that I was traveling with my MIL who might be slightly confused, one of them perked up and said, "Yes! A white haired lady with hair about to here?" He pantomimed hair down to his chin. When I nodded yes, he said, "But she seemed like she knew what she was doing."

She was brought back to me from business class, where she had been casually sitting, wondering where I was - all the while I was still crammed back in coach. 

That seems like a lifetime ago. Since then I have had a baby boy and several break downs. My baby is one year old now, and in some ways I wish I had been blogging the whole time. Living with a person with Alzheimer's disease and a new baby was the most terrifying year of my life. However, there have also been moments of great joy, and hilarity. My MIL is one of the most witty people I have ever known, and this trait remains in her, popping out when I need it the most. 

What will hopefully follow will be an account of life now, living with in-laws, one of whom has mid-stage Alzheimer's disease, with a husband finishing a PhD.(mine, not her's) and a one-year-old baby boy. The title of this blog is still applicable, and I will slip it back on like a well-worn sweater. I am still just waking slowing. Whatever that means. I will attempt to record some of the delusions that my MIL has, not to make fun, or be mean spirited, but partly because I need share about them, and partly because I want to remember them. I also want to record ways in which she is still very much here with us. She is fiercely protective of her children and grandchildren, and loves them with an enduring sort of love that is beautiful to behold. 

Anyway, for now, the baby is up from nap (45 minutes ug!) so....more to come. 

I'm in Florida on vacation, so I've had time to look at all my favorite sites....here's my favorite new one from cakewrecks.

It's a complete print out of the wiki commons page for the graphic that the people actually ordered. For more hilarity check these guys out http://www.cakewrecks.com/

We got business cards!

I'm somebody!! (that's a jerk reference for all you Steve Martin fans out there)
The camera stamps the wrong date on every picture- so ignore that...
My awesome and great husband designed the card- I'm sooooooooo excited! Here are some photos of our booth at the craft fair we did a couple of weeks ago.

I don't like mean stuff, but...

So I really don't like for people to be mean to other people, especially on the internet, because I feel like people are more hateful than in real life....HOWEVER...

I just found this site from being on etsy.com all the time that posts all the lame stuff people post on etsy. It's called regretsy.com, and it is one of the most hiliarious things I've looked at in awhile. I just spent 30 minutes laughing out loud to myself over some of the posts...check it out...

Big Barbie Heads!

If anyone finds Big Barbie Heads I want them...really really....

Here's why: