And Just Like That...She Was Back

I don't mean back as in back to completely normal, before Alzheimer's disease status. I mean back in terms of a helpful and loving personality, someone who says "thank you" when you do something nice for them, the person who is doing dishes right now after dinner while my husband and I get the baby to bed.

Let me back up. Before Christmas we decided to join my in-laws on a camping trip about an hour and a half away at a state park. We were staying in two adjacent campers, so it wasn't quite roughing it, but it should have been peaceful and calm. MIL did not do well with the new environment, if you want a recap you can read this blog post. She basically hasn't been the same since - this is going on a month and a half. She has been angry, at times withdrawn, oppositional, defiant and, I hate to say it, just plain mean. Thus the hiatus from writing many posts in the last month and a half - because they all would have been completely depressing. I, admittedly, did not deal with this personality shift well at all. I have been angry at MIL - fully knowing that she can't control her brain and what it's doing, but unable to convince myself that she can't control her attitude. There have been bits and pieces of hilarity here and there - she did tell my husband that she has to pet a long haired dog every day to get the dog oil off its skin because it's good for you - but mostly we've been slugging through thick emotional and behavioral fog.

She was particularly out of it yesterday. FIL took her to a local grocery store and told me later that she had laid hands on a stranger and blessed them. Later, she wanted to go to the bathroom so she took her shirt off. At dinner, she refused to eat anything that was prepared for her and came up with a list of things she must not have that just happened to include any conceivable option that we had in the house for her to eat for dinner. It was a little bit like dealing with a young child who has just decided to not like what you've cooked, even when they've eaten it a thousand times.

Then, this morning she woke up very chipper, and just like that...she was back. She was making eye contact, laughing and joking, and indicating that she didn't remember anything about yesterday. In the morning, I couldn't even look at her. I can't explain it, but I wanted this clear-eyed MIL to be sorry for all the weeks that the other MIL had been with us, weighing us down. I'm still really freaked out by the whole shift, but tonight I joked with her and laughed...and asked her for a hug.

She hurriedly dried her hands, wrapped her arms strongly around me, and I sobbed and sobbed. I cried because this is a remnant of my friend. This is the mom figure I've known since I was thirteen. Parts of her were back, and I love those parts, and I don't want to feel too self-protective to enjoy them while they're here. I didn't tell her why I was crying. I just told her I was tired...and then she prayed for me. She prayed for peace, and a good night's sleep. Then she told me to go to bed early, cracked some more jokes, and that was it.

And now I'm just left feeling all this jumble of emotions - tired, sad, joyful, thankful, exhausted, hopeful and...angry - but not angry at MIL anymore, angry at Alzheimer's disease.

Exquisite Disasters

I wanted to avoid this account of my dealings with Alzheimer's disease turning into a sad collection of stories about a loved one slipping away. That's the direction I felt it was going after we came home from Christmas camping, so I decided to take a break. I must admit that between then and now there probably have been some funny stories relating to my MIL's Alzheimer's disease, but I have been unable to find the humor in them until the last few days. I do remember some stories that I found funny, but they were of such a personal nature that I would never publish them on the internet, even without names. One of the aspects of Alzheimer's disease that I find so hard to confront is the loss of dignity, and I never want to contribute to that with my words here.

Lately, the manifestation of false memories has mostly revolved around places that my MIL has "definitely been before," or people who she has seen already "for sure." There is a new focus since Christmas, and that is aluminum in all shapes and forms. Last week FIL was driving MIL back home in the rain, and she insisted that if he were to stop, we would find aluminum knitting needles in the gutters, because they would have washed down from where all the people who are collecting them have them stored. Yesterday, she insisted that her teeth hurt worse when she's using her aluminum knitting needles, as opposed to her plastic ones. At dinner last night, she used a spoon (probably not aluminum) and after she pulled it out of her mouth, swore that it had magnetized to her tooth.

These delusions are so interesting to me because she has been explaining that someone told her she should get more aluminum into her body, and the fact is that Alzheimer's disease has historically been connected with aluminum, but exactly opposite to what her delusions are telling her. Alzheimer's patients have been encouraged to avoid aluminum exposure.

She continues to do well on her additional anti-anxiety medication, and since we came home from the camping trip, she has been more pleasant and less paranoid, although she did tell me this morning that she has figured out that my bathroom mirror lets me see into her bathroom. Hm?

She's been knitting up a storm, as long as I cast off for her. She begins with a small number of stitches and slowly adds so many stitches to the needle, by accident, that by the end of the project the needle is so crammed full of stitches I can hardly cast off without slipping a ton of them. Every piece comes out bell shaped. She told me this week that she wants to name her knitting collection "Exquisite Disasters." which I think is awesome. She maintains her humor, albeit very bizarre sometimes. Just this morning as my FIL was bottling some homemade kombucha, MIL said "Did you see the SCOBY, it's going to give me nightmares! It did gyre and gimble in the wabe." Oh look- another Lewis Carroll reference.