I can't be trusted to make good purchasing decisions when I'm out with baby and MIL, not even if my own mother is in tow helping out. That's why when I took MIL and baby to the farmers market today, sans my mom, I decided ahead of time not to buy a thing. It's not that any one of us wants to buy things very badly, it's just that with two people needing my attention, I can't think clearly and end up buying the whole of a market stall or grocery isle, and then wondering when I get home how I'm going to cook 17 rutabagas and a jar of local honey.
FIL left for a meeting this morning, which means that MIL followed me around too closely, bless her, while I wrangled a 12 month old into his high chair and cooked and fed him breakfast. She and I have always had a good rapport, even when I was 16 and pining after her son, so now at 33 when she follows me, I know she's just seeking a connection with another woman, a mom...friendship. I remind myself of this fact about 300 times while she is trying to help me feed baby breakfast by picking up and feeding him dog hair encrusted bits of food that he has flung to the floor once already. I want to accept her help. I really do. And I am so tired.
This morning she touched on two major false memories that have been persistent over the last couple of weeks, if not longer. As we got dressed and ready to go, she mused over yesterday's trip she took with FIL and baby to the mall. "I hope our going to JC Penny helped convince them to keep it in Waco a while longer, and not move the whole store to Austin." She has this idea that there is a plot or campaign to make our town look like it is a bustling metropolis. This will be accomplished by making certain people go to certain places in town to be counted, thereby proving that these stores and attractions are worthy of staying in town, and not moving to the more populated Austin.
Each day she comes home from some outing or another exclaiming that she's saved more stores from being packed up and shipped off. A harmless enough delusion on good days. But on bad days I know she gives FIL hell about it. On bad days she will say that she doesn't "like this game." She doesn't want to do it, doesn't care if anything stays in Waco, and she's tired of being made to go to the zoo when its closed and the animals are all gone.
In the car on the way to the farmers market, MIL talked at length about how she and FIL are going on a trip soon. This is a common delusion these days, the story of which varies from day to day. It is consistently to a place where they will be healed of most of their ailments, all they have to do is write out a list of what's wrong with them, and these amazing doctors at this place will heal them right up. A few weeks ago when I asked her where this place is, she answered, "oh you know, up near Canada, but then you have to go down to South Africa." At times this place sounds like heaven, which would make sense because for her South Africa would be heaven's capital.
Today though, this place started to seem more like hell. She was upset that the doctors there would be giving her all kinds of sedatives to test if she really has Alzheimer's disease (a percentage of people with Alzheimer's can't be given any sedatives because they bring on hallucinations, and she is one of these type - that part is true). She was really sad because they were also going to feed her melons, to which she is allergic (truly). My attempts at distracting her by talking about scenery didn't help, and my naming of her feelings, "that sounds like you're feeling really anxious," didn't help either. In fact, by the time we were 5 minutes away from the market she was so physically upset that she said her toes were tingling.
I offered to take her home, and honestly at that point, I would have gladly turned around because when she's having a weird day or moment, I get nervous about how she will act around other people. She was so brave though, telling me that it would be better to just go for a walk than give in and go back home. So we walked the market. And she was pretty weird. And she complained the whole time about one thing or another. I have to believe that it's worth it though, even though she seemed to have a terrible time, I didn't buy a thing and my stomach was in knots for most of the experience.
We're home now, and baby is napping. I'm in my PJ's so it's time to read a bit before I have to be back on.
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